Basel

Switzerland is like a postcard that got tired of being stuck on the fridge and decided to show off in real life. Famous for its mountains and valleys, you might be surprised when you roll into Basel and realize… it’s flatter than a pancake! Basel cozily snuggles between France, Germany, and Switzerland, so of course, everyone speaks at least three languages here. First up, Swiss German – a lovely, sing-songy dialect that’s like regular German but with more “yodel-ability.” Honestly, it might as well be Esperanto, that forgotten attempt to make one language for Europe. Spoiler alert: it never caught on. But Basel’s residents are language ninjas, flipping between Swiss German, French, English, Italian, and, if the mood strikes, a dash of Spanish. Polyglots much?

For all their linguistic flexibility, the Swiss are not nearly as relaxed when it comes to rules. They have rules for everything. Jaywalk at your peril – cross on a red, and not only will you get a disapproving glare, but a lecture from a local (if a car doesn’t get you first!). True story: a friend threw a birthday party, invited all the neighbors, and it was a respectable Swiss gathering. Wine, chocolate, light laughter. One neighbor decides he’s had enough, says goodnight, and heads home. Five minutes later? The guy calls the police because the “noise” was ruining his sleep. And the party? Shut down, Swiss-style. What are friends for, right?

Ah, the Rhine! I had the genius idea to jump into it and float downstream through Basel. They did warn me to hop out before the dam, or, you know, danger. The water was brisk, the experience refreshing. Though, knowing about the BASF factories upstream, I did wonder if I’d glow in the dark later. Spoiler: I didn’t, but I did get out before I became one with the waterworks. Survival 101.

Speaking of rules and progress, Switzerland isn’t exactly a speed demon when it comes to change. Case in point: women’s suffrage. The final Swiss canton granted women the right to vote in… wait for it… 1991! While suffragettes elsewhere were fighting for equality, the Swiss were taking their sweet time. But hey, they’re punctual with clocks, if not with social progress.

Sundays in Basel are the opposite of a fun day – the city shuts down like someone hit the off switch. Except for the essential cultural experiences, like McDonald’s (that’s “Mack-Donald,” Swiss-style), Mr. Wong, and Cinnabon. So, if you ever crave American cuisine in Switzerland, fear not.

Finally, a word to the wise: don’t mow your lawn during lunch hour. It’s a direct assault on Swiss serenity, and trust me, your mower will be confiscated before you can say cheese fondue. You’ve been warned!